Friday, January 16, 2009

Slowly Going Crazy...

This is for Ondrea, and all of those who have come before me in the hopes of "keeping it real". You can dismiss my rant, or ignore it, but I have to get it out. Not sure this will help at all, but in an attempt, here goes.

I think this wait is slowly driving me out of my mind. The past few weeks I have been an emotional WRECK. Mind you, I was always one to cry at the commercials of the big brother coming home as a surprise for Christmas etc... but I cried during "The Sound of Music". Since my childhood, this has long been a favorite, I was allowed to stay up for TWO movies every year: Sound of Music and The Wizard of Oz, and I don't think I ever cried, ONCE. This year, bawling.

Today I cried listening to Headline News in my car and NYC Mayor Bloomb*rg talking about giving a key to the city to the Pilot of the plane that went into the Hudson River yesterday. In. My. Car. This wait is slowly breaking my heart.

I made a bad assumption this week that another family who recently got a court date didn't have to redo any paperwork before hearing any feedback on court. Miraculous! They got to go right to a court date! WRONG! Turns out the process took over a month, with some paperwork expiring - and urgently mailing a file to Vladivostok. So my thought that maybe I'd hear something on Monday looks more and more like a pipe dream. And if my timeline is anything like theirs, I'll be lucky to get a court date in MARCH. March? March? Seriously?

People are very helpful and try to say things like "get lots of sleep now, because you won't when she comes home. Or "catch up on your movies"... etc. See this is the problem. I have been doing that for 2 1/2 months. Going on 3. I am ready. Really ready.

My mom said to me today, well you're just going to have to wait. And I realize it's true. But I am scared to death something will happen in that wait time. I scour the Internet trying to read anything and everything posted on Adoption.com's Russian board and FRUA.org... however, sometimes that just feeds my fire as I hear a different region is now cancelling trips over the ruling in the Chase Harrison legal case in VA. I try to explain to people that haven't been through this process how hard it is. The only relation I can come up with is (for those with kids) giving birth and then having the doctor tell you "Your child has to go away to the other side of the world for 4 months or so - you can come back and get him/her later". The wait is gut wrenching.

Her room is done, clothes are in the dresser. Toys are in toy boxes and waiting. Her picture is on my wall, and on my dresser. I can't wait to see her face again live. When????

17 comments:

Sara said...

My thoughts exactly.

Sherri & Tim said...

During our first adoption, we waited 3 months b/t meeting our son & going back for court. It was the absolute hardest time of my life... even harder than waiting for the call! I practically slept w/ my cell phone so as not to miss any news. So, I can understand your emotions and for what it's worth, you'll still cry about random things once your daughter is home b/c you'll just be so darn happy! BIG PRAYERS for a speedy call, easy paperwork and understanding judges coming your way from our home. It must seem terrible now... and it is... but your mom is right and "the call" will come and your daughter will be home. Peace to you... Sherri (another LH family)

Lindsay said...

If Russia is like us - and they all seem to have a very similar system - they have to give you a court date within six months. Not very comforting I know, but hopefully there will be a deadline to which they are working rather than just a void.

The only thing I can say is don't beat yourself up about being angry and frustrated by the wait. When I was trying to get a court date - and hearing no way was it going to happen - I was crying at work, when walking the dogs etc. You are allowed to grieve and be upset. People who haven't been thru it don't understand how it can feel and the well meaning 'cheer up' comments can frustrate after a while.

I sent up a lot of hugely demanding 'I want' prayers whilst waiting. In the end I accepted it wasn't about it happending when I was ready to go for Hannah, but when she was ready to leave. So I prayed instead that she be safe and come home when it was best for her. That was on a Friday - I had an emotionally peaceful weekend - and got my court date on the Monday!

Praying Monday's meeting finds your paperwork in order and simply sets you a date for court. Stranger things have happened :)

Tamara said...

Oh Amy, I know how hard this is. For our first adoption, we waited almost four months to return for Sasha. He wasn't doing well in the baby home. They had told me that they didn't like him, he was being medicated and they were using ointment on him that caused severe blistering. He was completely miserable. I wanted to take him home immediately.

Unfortunately, in the regions, things move slowly. During the wait, I would cringe when people asked when we were returning. I think the hardest part of it all was not having any control over anything. Yes, I could get documents updated in record speed but then they would go to my agency and be out of my control again.

Here's hoping that your paperwork is a breeze and that your timeline starts to pick up now that the holidays are done.

The BIGGEST (as Sasha would say) hugs ever, Tamara

Becky and Keith said...

Oh, Amy!! I know exactly how you feel and your feelings are SO justified! It would be one thing to know that you're waiting and everything is "normal" but nothing ever seems to be "normal" in Russia and it increases the anxiety two-fold. One thing that really, really helped me while I was waiting (besides wine) was to try to stay off FRUA. I'm guessing you're a frequent reader as most of us are. It causes SO much anxiety reading that website because some things are true, some things are blown out of proportion and some thing are just down right wrong. It is hard to figure out which is which and it really made me crazy. I was like you and I had a very short wait for court. I will be hoping and praying with you that things start to happen very quickly! In the meantime, make your lists! Research readoption in your state (I still haven't readopted Andrew and need to get a passport for him!). Research OT's and speech therapists - all of the things you *may* need to do once you get home. I wish I would have do a lot of that because now that Andrew is home, who has the time?? Big, big hugs to you!! I know how tough this is! If you need to vent or if I can help at all, shoot me an email! HUGSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

Becky and Keith said...

P.S. What I meant by this "I was like you and I had a very short wait for court." was that my wait was very short and I was crazed, so I can just imagine how you must be feeling. I'm not a patient person so I commend you for being as patient as you have before breaking down! :-) Sorry for not being clear!

Heather said...

Amy - my heart is aching for you today. It is a continual hard fought effort to remain positive during the wait. Prayers are still coming your way for great news on Monday. Hang in there!

luvin' life said...

Your post brought back all those stressful memories of our own waiting game. Try to trust in God that He will deliver your child to you in His time. That's the only thing that helped me. It is just so hard not knowing!
We are all rooting for you!

luvin' life said...

I just tagged you Amy! :)

Joy said...

You are so right! I know that I am not in the place where you are right now. But in my opinion my wait is not nearly as bad as your wait is right now. I am afraid most of the wait that you are experiencing because you know her and want her and want to make sure that she knows or remembers you.

The wait between the first and second trip is heart breaking and by far the worst.
Joy

Roger and Joanne said...

I don't know what to say....except that the waiting is definitely grueling at times. My heart goes out to you! I pray that your little one is safe and healthy and that Russia will do the right thing for the children and not close any down, but to continue to provide loving homes for those children.
I hope that the timing is SOON!

Laura W. Knight said...

Hi Amy....With our son adopted from Ekat we waited over 8 months between trips and every day was the worst day of my life. No matter how long it is so painful to be apart from the child who is already yours in your heart. A couple things that were helpful to me was that someone told me every day was one day closer to bringing him home and 2 favorite quotes that I pasted to my computer "Difficult things take a long time, impossible things a little longer" and "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. ~Franklin D. Roosevelt"
Best wishes - Laura (a current LH family)

findingourdaughter said...

Oh Amy,
I know this wait is slowing killing you.....and I will NOT sugar coat it, IT IS HORRIBLE! You have ever right to feel so sad and weary with all this.....and even to be mad too. I'm sad, weary and mad for you!!
I'm seriously doubting I can handle this journey.....I think you are so much stronger than I.
I am praying for you and little T. I am here for you....anytime, just call and vent away.
Big hugs and lots of love,
Angie

Nancy said...

Amy--I'm sending some positive vibes your way. I think you will get assigned a court date on Monday. Keep the faith!

Sarah & Aaron Brand said...

Hi Amy-
I just came across your blog via FRUA and I just wanted to say I completely understand and you have every right to be going crazy. We had a delay between trips due to a DHL scre up and it was 4 weeks longer than it should have been- it sucked! People are just trying to be helpful when they tell you to sleep or go out or whatever but I could have strangled all of them at the time. Just wanted to say I know how you are feeling and stay strong! Our blog is www.siberiabrands.blogspot.com for more info. :)

Kim said...

I totally know what you are going through and it just sucks. I wish there were some encouraging words I could say that you havent heard 100 times before, but your mom is right. And it sucks. I know you know this, but it will all fade away once your are over there. I am praying for your and hope you hear something soon.
KIm

The C. Crew said...

Any news today?