Tuesday, October 21, 2008

You Just Know

Where do I start?  What a day.  Last night after my blog posting I met with another coordinator for the agency here locally.  If I was nervous by the comments earlier in the day, my talk with him made it worse.  He knew the background of the referral and not in so many words basically thought it wasn't a good situation.  

I went to bed nervous, scared, upset and frustrated.  After a midnight (here) phone call from Lorien at my agency, she talked me down off the cliff and emphasized the importance of one step at time.  Every little thing was stressing me out this morning - hair, temperature in the room, etc. anything to avoid the giant elephant in the corner, staring me in the face of what could potentially be a really rough day.

We were off to the Department of Education.  The first stop of the journey.  The DOE gives you the permission to visit the baby home and that specific child.  Imagine a very small, warm room at the top of 5 flights of stairs in an older building much like at a University.  The woman was scary, and asked some questions and then explained the policies.  No smiles.  Hard to get used to because you don't realize until you don't get them how reassuring a simple smile is.  

After the scary stop, we were off to the baby home in Artem (about 1 hour away).  We made a quick stop at the local Department of Education to pick up a facilitator - this time not so scary, who came along with us.  Another 20 minutes in the car and we arrived to a complex of apartments and old abandoned factories.  Just as I am wondering where we are, we pulled into a cute, sparse, but nicely decorated baby home.  Inside we went...

We waited about 2o minutes while the little guy and his group finished their lunch.  Finally, it was time for the BIG moment.  They brought the little guy in, and just as everyone said, I knew instantly that unfortunately, I was not the mom for this little guy.  My dreams and hopes are that he finds a wonderful caring family to take care of him.  We played with him a bit, and listened to the brief description from the doctors, not knowing when was the appropriate time to say "Nyet".  

As we walked to the car, I really tried to be strong, but the tears did start to flow.  Not the first time, however.  I felt horrible leaving him behind, but knew in my heart that it was the right decision.  We stood by the car while our driver went inside for a minute.  One of the caretakers from inside, walked out with a little girl (dressed in boys clothes) who was walking around the adorably cute playground area smelling the flowers and playing with her caretaker.  Rhonda made a quick joke about "don't bring her down here, we'll be tempted to stash her in the car" because she was so cute.   Sergei, the driver, returns with news that they'd like to introduce me to a little girl - almost 2 yrs old.  So back inside we went.  

By now, you can probably guess what happened.  The little girl who was outside smelling the flowers -- that's her.  Rhonda started to tear up and I really had to hold it back, thinking what so many of the families who have traveled before have said "You Just Know".  While I still have some questions about her background - we have an appointment to go back and visit her tomorrow.  So while nothing is finalized, I am a very different frame of mind tonight vs. last night.

More from Russia tomorrow... it's late and to quote another adorable little girl... "The Sun Has Gone, To Bed and So Must I..."

19 comments:

Suzy said...

What a roller coaster!! Stay strong!!
Love ya!

Tamara said...

Oh Amy ... I'm so sorry but I really believe that things will work out. I just know they will. Hang in there .. the biggest Hugs EVER (as Sasha would say), Tamara

Pamela said...

Stay strong. You are on the path to getting a child, and one day that child will be touched by all you went through just to be his or her mom.

Sherri & Tim said...

Isn't it funny how things always work out as they are meant to? What a beautiful story to share w/ your daughter when she's old enough to understand... you saw her from a distance & "just knew"! Thinking of you! Sherri (LH Family - Adopted Jill in Aug)

Lindsay said...

How awful it must have to say no to the little boy. You know you were right to say no, but it doesn't stop it being a horrible, horrible thing to go thru. Hugs to you and I hope tomorrow is a brighter day for you.

findingourdaughter said...

I have tears for you! I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
Praying for you and the child who is meant to be yours!
God bless and Hugs,
Angie

Becky and Keith said...

Hey there! I'm behind on posts, but just caught up on all of yours. First - you are an awesome writer. You (and Rhonda) had me cracking up about your trip there. Second, I'm so sorry you had to go through what you did today. I think that is everyones worst nightmare, but the story of that little girl coming out just brought tears to my eyes. I will be thinking of you the next few days as you sort through things! I promise, once you are home with your little one, all of this becomes a very distant memory.
Hugs!
Becky

Tiger & Kar said...

Oh my goodness - what a rollercoaster. I pray the little girl becomes your daughter. I'm sure it was very hard to so no to the little boy, but you did what you felt was right. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

And I am crying after reading your post - what a day! I am hopeful and I feel good about the possibilities.

Mom (Susan Clarkson)

Little Patch of Heaven said...

Amy - you are in my thoughts. It will all work out. A little girl... how exciting.

Jesse said...

Sometimes it is hard to believe that this will all work out when you are in Russia after turning down a referral. We went through the same roller coaster, the same heartbreak. You get one chance to do this right! This is a forever decision, you have to make those decisions with both your heart and your head.

I had to keep saying to myself when we had to turn down a child we saw for 4 days, we said no, and they just whisked him away. I had to say to myself, this is not my child, this is someone else's child to stop the flood of tears. On the 4 hour drive back to the hotel, I had to watch the mandatory comedy skits I brought on my ipod so my coordinator didn't have to watch me bawling for 4 hours! ugh

It is a decision you will ponder for awhile, but then you will realize that it is yes the right decision.

I really hope you found your girl there, go to a private dr. to get her checked out. Remember a lot of conditions are placed on the medical to get them into the BH, you have to know that. Our girl had none of the issues it stated.

Ok I am guessing that you will not need an Ergo for a 2 yr old! I will wait on that!

Take care, J + J and A

sara said...

Amy,

Believe in your heart that you made the right decision. Be strong!! Your dreams will come true!

Sara
(Michigan)

Nichole said...

What an extremely hard day!! Can't wait to hear more about the little girl and what happens. I will be sitting on the edge of my seat until your next post!

Chandra said...

Amy I am so sorry that your first referral didn't work out and that you had so much stress associated with it.

I truly hope that tomorrow brings you a better day and that the little girl turns out to be your daughter.

*hugs*

Kim Abraham said...

I was pins and needles reading about your day. Stay strong and believe it will all work out the way it is supposed to be!

The Harrisons said...

I've been right where you are... turning down one referral and then seeing him daily as I visited our chosen referral in the same orphanage. It was not easy, but I can tell you that it was absolutely the right decision for us. In the end, our son had just as much scary "stuff" on his medical as the little guy we turned down, but we "just knew" it was the right decision. Plus, I can tell you that a little girl doesn't just get paraded out unless there's some divine intervention. God has a plan for this little boys life. He's already allowed him to bring you to Russia to meet your child. I'm sure he has a bigger purpose somewhere in another family!

JENNIFER said...

WOW..What a day....The girls and I can't wait to here more about the little girl. How exciting for you. I'm sure it was hard when you saw the little boy, but bigger things are to follow. Well, one more girl for the mix...I am sure that Elizabeth had something to do with it. Can't wait to hear more. Good Luck.....

Amy said...

Amy --- I am just so stinking proud of you!!!!!!!! You are so amazing to be making this leap, going through the roller coaster and in the midst of it all still being able to listen to that small still voice, even when it wasn't the "nice" answer. That sweet boy has a path, its just not yours! And whether this little girl turns out to be yours or not, my heart is doing flips at how willing you are to follow what is being laid out in front of you. I am ramping up my prayers for you, girl!! Can't wait to hear what tomorrow brings!

tdoepker said...

wow amy!! that's so crazy! what a rollercoaster you are on! thinking of you much these days!!