We Are Family

On Monday this week (I am a little behind), I attended the funeral of a great man.  My Grandfather’s brother (my Great Uncle for those of you keeping track!), Gene, passed away on May 20th.  He was 92, lived an incredible life and always had a story to tell with a smile on his face. 

Even though I am an only child, I actually come from a rather large family.  You may remember this same branch of the family tree from previous posts about Thanksgiving.  My Grandfather was one of seven boys and until May 20th, five of the seven were still with us.  My mom is one of six children, and my dad is one of seven.  And while some people don’t know their uncles and aunts very well, I am blessed to say that I know all of mine AND most of my Great Aunts and Uncles as well – including Uncle Gene and his wife, Aunt Greta (who is one of Tatiana’s favorites!) – and it doesn’t hurt that they are practically my neighbors!

The Clarkson boys from top left:  Lock, Gene, Lee, Jule.  Bottom left:  Lyle, Wayne and Arden.

I never knew my Grandfather, Lawrence “Lock” Clarkson.  He passed away in January 1969, before I was born.  I am thankful that I got to experience what I can only imagine he was like, through the eyes of his brothers.  Another cousin said it well this week by stating that if our Grandfather was anything like Uncle Gene, he must have been wonderful!  And that’s saying A LOT.  Uncle Gene’s funeral was packed.  Not many people can say that – let alone a 92 year old.  4 SEPARATE religious leaders got up to speak – from 4 SEPARATE churches! 

As with many people, I assume, family over the years has come to mean more to me than I realized.  My Great Uncle’s passing coincided with a conversation I had with a co-worker who is VERY driven to be promoted.   He seems boggled sometimes when I don’t have the same goal.  And honestly, years ago, I would have been boggled as well.  However, the older I get, the more important family and friends are to me.  I am sure Tatiana’s arrival has something to do with that as well.  I am thrilled that she is growing up around so many family members!  She sees her Gramma Darlin on a daily basis – along with some of her cousins.  Her GREAT Gramma lives a mile from us and she has the pleasure of knowing some of her Great GREAT Aunts and Uncles.  For someone who started out her life with NO one claiming to be her family, that’s pretty cool. 

Over the past year or so, my priorities have shifted.  I find myself thinking of ways I could work where I didn’t have to travel as much so I could be even CLOSER to home more often.  My cousin Jennifer and I plot about opening up our own business at times, but what that is, we aren’t 100% sure yet.  We’re both fabulous dreamers – it’s got to be genetic!

So while I am sad to say Good-bye to my literally GREAT (as in fabulous), Great Uncle Gene (as in my mother’s Uncle!), I am thankful for the time we spent together;  the stories he told (like many of our family members, he could talk and talk and talk – a habit I *OBIVOUSLY* did NOT inherit, ha ha); the glimpse into what my Grandfather was like; and the life lessons that I didn’t even know I was receiving.  Say hi to Grandpa for me, Uncle Gene! 

You’re A Real Mutha, Ya’ Know?

Tomorrow is my second Mother’s Day with Tatiana.  She’s now been home in the United States for over 13 months.  It’s hard for me to believe it’s ONLY been 13 months, as I feel like we’ve been together forever. 

While I wish I could tell her someday that I was there for every moment of her life, I am so eternally grateful for every moment we have spent together.  And so tonight, I have to give thanks.  Thank you to all who made my life with Tatiana possible. 

First to my mom, aka Gramma Darlin, who helped with SO much, and continues to help everyday.  It truly does “Take a Village to Raise a Child” (props to Hillary Rodham Clinton for that!).  Gramma Darlin was the silent, behind the scenes success during Tatiana’s adoption – with all kinds of support, emotional, physical and financial!

I cannot forget Aunt “Whonda”, who flew around the world TWICE to bring home this special little Russian sprite.  Not only did she tolerate my midnight ramblings during VERY strung out adjustments to new time zones, but she helped keep me sane on BOTH trips during stressful moments – and there were LOTS! 

Of course I have to mention Lorien, specifically, at Lighthouse Adoptions.  Yes, I am biased, but I think she’s one of the best in her field.  Having adopted twice, she GETS IT, from the perspective of the adoptive parent.  And along with Lorien, the entire LSS staff in Vladivostok:  Ivan, Sergei, Kate, Elena and Luba.  You are my Russian family!

To you, my fellow bloggers and friends… you also helped me more than you know.  I lived vicariously through so many of you while waiting the horrible wait.  Angie & Tamara, my Lighthouse sisters – you are fabulous!  Sara/Stephen, Heidi/Mike, Phyllis/Ed, Lisa/Andrew, Daniela/Chris & Jeanette, who all helped make Vladivostok special for me, thank you!

And finally, the largest thank you of them all.  On this, my second Mother’s Day, while enjoying the wonder and beauty of my precious girl, I have to thank Svetlana K.  Svetlana is the woman who gave birth to my gorgeous girl.  While I may not love all the things that transpired during her pregnancy and shortly thereafter, she made my dream come true.  We may never meet, and I have no idea what her life holds for her right now, but I wish her nothing but the best.   In your honor today, Svetlana, I donated on your behalf to the SPOON Foundation, a non profit organization that helps with nutritional issues of orphans around the world. 

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mother’s out there, present and future. 

Fun with Friends

(Yes!  A post NOT about scandals in Russia and adoption!  I am trying to move on!) 

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that the weather in Michigan at this time of year can be VERY unpredictable.  What am I saying?  The weather in Michigan is ALWAYS unpredictable – no matter what time of year it  is.  However, it seems like spring is even more crazy around here.  We’ve been bouncing around temperature wise from 70’s to 40’s which wreaks havoc on a wardrobe, any form of planning for events and sinuses!

Tatiana would LIVE outside if I allowed it.  When she wakes up in the morning her first question is typically “I want to go outside and play, please?”  Doesn’t sound like a question – but what you are missing here in print is her sweet inflection.  So when weather is permitting, we try to get outside for some fresh air.  

Riding her “4 wheeler” (from Aunt Rhonda); playing with her BFF:  Trip, the doggie next door

 

 

 

 

 

Last weekend was sunny but COLD.   Tatiana and I were lucky enough to get invited to spend some time with the OTHER Tatiana – aka Tia and her mama, Shannon.  We had a blast!  The two Tatianas played really well together and successfully trashed poor Shannon’s  house!   It’s so nice to have someone close that you can share stories with – and who totally understands all the issues surrounding adoptive kids and their transition.  Any other Michigan mommies want to join us next time?  

Too Many Orphans

A full week into the latest “Russian Adoption Scandal” and I am still angry. I am frustrated, surprised, nervous and sad all at the same time.

When a case like the Torry Hansen story makes headlines, not only are wrong facts reported, but opinions about adoption as a whole are posted everywhere and anywhere. This past week I read the following:

- Adoption parents aren’t real parents and the bond between adoptive parents and their children can never be as strong as biological parents and kids

- All adoptive Russian children are bad and damaged

- Adoptive parents want to steal biological parents kids (yes. seriously. I read it.)

- Parents who adopt from Russia are shopping for white kids with a clean slate who are perfect

I had to stop myself from reading some of the internet postings and face book pages that were reporting/discussing this story because my blood pressure was climbing and climbing.

I was also surprised that with the exception of a few friends and family, most of the people who wanted to discuss this story were limited to my “adoption circle” of friends. At first I was a little sad that some friends and family didn’t share my passion, but while I was writing my last blog post for “We Are the Truth”, it hit me. I didn’t get what a big deal this is until about 2 years ago myself.

Perhaps unless your life has been touched by adoption, it’s hard to grasp this story and the deep, strong feeling behind it. Similar for me was cancer. I didn’t want to THINK about cancer; it’s not fun OR sexy, so why dwell on it. Until it touched my life through some friends and family, cancer was something I didn’t want to HAVE to think about. I am not trying to put something as horrible as cancer on the same level as adoption, but more relating how when your life is effected by something, it changes your view on that subject.

On Friday I asked a question on face book, hoping to engage some people in this topic. The question was “How many estimated orphans are there in the world”. The answer I received the most was “too many”. That’s for sure. Typically I read 147 million as the official number. According to Wikipedia, the total population for Russia is approximately 142 million. So there are more orphans in the world than the total population of Russia alone.

Specific to Russia, where my daughter spent the first two and a half years of her life in an orphanage, it is estimated that there are 730,000 orphans accounted for. It is also suspected that the true number is over 1 million when all the homeless children living on the streets are added in. For kids in a Russian orphanage, the system ends at the ripe old age of 17. If they haven’t been adopted by then, they are sent to go start their lives – with nothing. Statistics say that within 5 years 90% of these kids are either homeless, in prison, addicted to drugs or acting as prostitutes. Last year 1589 children came home to the US from Russia (a relatively small # compared to years as recent as 2005/2006). If adoptions close to the US from Russia, that’s an additional 1589 kids that could linger in the system, without homes or hope.

When Tatiana and I landed in the United States on March 29th, 2009, more than just an amazing girl came home with me. Along with us came a lasting impression of a beautiful country that impacted me in so many ways. My daughter is Russian. And while she is now an “American” as well, it is important to me that her Russian heritage is a part of her life. Over the last year, I have created 3 picture books from my travels and my adoption story. As she gets older, theses books will be one of the many ways I help show her the beautiful place she was born.

Hope is a good thing. I hope that by sharing some of my story in this blog post and others, more people can understand adoption and why it is so personal to people. I hope that those families whose lives have been turned upside and inside out while waiting for their children to come home from Russia have a peaceful, happy ending and that more children can follow their path. And finally, I hope these pictures can show at least a glimpse of the wonderful country my daughter is from.

A teaser for the next post… TWO Tatiana’s, together!

We Are The Truth

Today is Adoption Blogger Day – part of the Joint Council on International Children's Services Call to Action – We Are the Truth.  Here is our story…

I AM THE PROUD PARENT OF AN ADOPTED CHILD FROM RUSSIA

In the spring of 2008, there were three events that changed my life, without affecting me at all. First, a Texas polygamist sect compound was raided, temporarily removing 416 children from their homes; shortly thereafter, a cyclone hit the country known as Burma/Myanmar, killing hundreds of thousands, leaving many more homeless and orphaned. And finally, during the same time period a horrible earthquake in China resulted in even more children left without parents and homes. Each time, I remarked to a close friend of mine, “I could adopt a child from there, I should help”. After hearing this comment 3 times, she finally asked, “You keep commenting on this, why don’t you look into it?”. And so started my quest to adopt.

I never thought at 37, I would have been single, with no children. Honestly, a couple years before these events, I had written my chances of having a family off. Suddenly, with the prospect of adoption, it all made sense.

The process started in late May, 2008. I instantly felt a connection with the owner of my adoption agency, Lighthouse Adoptions in Ann Arbor, MI. We discussed the available options and it looked like my path would likely lead me to Moscow City, Russia. Since I was open to either gender child, I knew that I would likely be bringing home a son, since there seemed to be a high demand for little girls.

Fate being what it is, I ended up in Vladivostok, Russia with the referral of a little girl. While waiting to go inside the Artem Baby Home, suddenly the nerves hit me. It was late October, 2008, and a few children were playing outside with the caretaker. As we were walking into the baby home, I saw a little girl with big brown curls tumbling out of a red hat, laughing and smiling, smelling a late blooming flower. I said to myself, “I wish I could have a daughter just like her”, trying not to think such things, so as not to be disappointed.

Inside, we waited for the Director to come and meet us. My translator leaned to me and said, “Look, here she comes now…”, referring to my referral. It was the little girl with the red hat. It took every ounce of energy to not burst out crying. I knew from that second that it was meant to be.

The staff at her baby home were wonderful. You could genuinely tell they cared about the children and did everything they could with the resources they received. They were open and honest about her background. I knew the challenges and risks – her mother had a drinking problem.

On March 20, 2009, the court decision was finalized and Tatiana Elizabeth was my daughter.  She is, single handedly, the best thing that ever happened to me.  In the past year, she has grown in so many ways.  Not only is she 5 inches taller and 5 pounds heavier, but abilities have increased 5 fold!  She is a great eater – in fact she’s less picky than her mama.  She would stay outside 24/7 if allowed:  the girl LOVES to draw with chalk, swing on swings and ride bikes.  She also loves animals – her cats, anyone’s dog – you name it.  You pick an animal and she will tell you what that animal says.  (Did YOU know that a giraffe bleats?  SHE DOES!)  Singing is another favorite, and she runs through her day, via song, every night before going to bed.

I will never claim to be a perfect parent, with a perfect child – she’s 3 after all: temper tantrums, tears, silliness and laughter are always a heart-beat away.  However, she’s perfect for me. 

Outrage

A majority of the people (all 5 of you!) who read my blog are adoptive parents – many who have adopted from Eastern Europe.  The current adoption situation/story that has been plastered in the headlines lately is no longer new news.  It has been firmly in my mind and heart for the last 36 ours.  News articles have reported that in 2009 alone, 1600 children came home to the US from Russia as adoptive children.  My daughter is one of those 1600 kids. 

I don’t need to belabor the story.  It’s bad.  It’s ugly.  Essentially, a 33 year single mom from TN (Torry-Ann Hansen) had her mother send her 8 year old adopted son back to Russia because of behavioral problems. 

I don’t know what happened inside the house.  The chances of a boy adopted at the age of 7, whose background included an alcoholic, abusive birth-mother and time spent in a Russian orphanage, having some adjustment issues are high.  And expected.  Any person using a reputable Adoption Agency/Home-Study agency will have completed some education classes on the risks involved in adoption.  Many of the articles claim that the mother submitted a required PPR (Post Placement Report – required for newly adoptive children from Russia @ 6 months, 1 year, 2 years and 3 years) in January claiming that all was fine.  The Grandmother is on record in many interviews as stating that only AFTER this PPR did things start to go badly.   I have a hard time stomaching this. 

The disruption of any adoption is a sad and stressful thing.  I am NOT opposed to disruption.  In many cases, it is the best possible scenario for all involved.  The disruption of this adoption is not what upsets me so much.  It’s the method in which the mother chose to go about doing it.  To put a child of 8 years old on a plane ride from Washington DC to Moscow – ALONE, with a stranger arranged to meet him and simply drop him off at a government office is completely and 100% inexcusable.  Compare this to a birth mother in Alaska putting her 8 year old child on a plane headed to DC with a note to the Secretary of Social Services – basically stating “I don’t want this child any longer.  I can’t handle him”.   Added to the fact that this child was from Vladivostok, Russia – NOT Moscow, the mother was sending him to what equates to a place he’s never seen before in his life.  Imagine the fear that child must have had. 

My Russian adoptive daughter is ALSO from Vladivostok, Russia.  So this case hits me on so many levels.  I have spent much too much time over the last 36 hours reading various news reports about this situation.  One of my “favorite” articles is this one: "Murky Laws". 

One glaringly WRONG statement is the following:  “Bob Tuke, a Nashville attorney and member of the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys, said abandonment charges against the family could depend on whether the boy was a U.S. citizen”.  Now surely, an Attorney specializing in adoption would have done SOME research on current USCIS (United States Citizenship and Immigration Services) laws/policies.   It took me 3 minutes to find this clip from the USCIS website. 

“Children with IR-3 and IH-3 visas automatically acquire citizenship if:

• they enter the United States prior to their 18th birthday.
• they are under 18 years old, they are automatically U.S. citizens upon admission to the United States.
• they reside in the United States with their parents (U.S. government or military personnel assigned overseas may qualify as residing in the United States)”

Therefore, it seems obvious to me that this mother should immediately face abandonment charges. 

I find articles like this exceedingly frustrating for many of the mis-leading facts that are often spread.  However, the most frustrating part of reading many of these articles online are the “comments” from other readers.  While I fully believe and support everyone’s constitutional freedom of speech, there ought to be a law against out right ignorance. 

The very best comments that I have read so far are:

- People are adopting only for the social security implications.  Really?  So the average $50K plus that people spend in both domestic and international adoptions is Monopoly $ and most of my adoptive counterparts are secretly draining our welfare system? 

- The adoption wasn’t final so this is no big deal.  Again, I have to say really?  The court proceeding that I went through in Vladivostok, Russia sure looked and felt real.  I guess I should have asked the judge if Ashton Kutcher was there and if I was being punked.  And I also guess then the adoption certificate I have and the Russian birth certificate listing me as the mother of my child are both fakes.  I should have known.  Silly me!

- Adoptive children are this decades most fashionable accessory.  While I would like to say that all parents enter adoption with the purest of heart, I can’t speak for all people.  However, a majority of the people I have met through this process truly want to help a child and expand the love in their family.

- There should be stricter criteria for adoptions/this wouldn’t happen if there were stronger rules.  HA!  I invite anyone who thinks that adoption is a simple, painless process with no requirements to come along for the ride sometime.  I have been fingerprinted more than the average criminal for my adoption!   I have seen my doctor more for tests and medical clearances more times than I care to remember!  And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. 

I know for the usual crowd that typically reads my blog, I am fully preaching to the choir.  I have shared in your shock, amazement and fury on blogs and face book while the facts of this story continue to pour out.  I hope that maybe other’s will read this and gain a greater understanding of the situation and process. 

To my fellow adoptive families - I embrace you and love talking with you all – it’s almost like our own special sorority.  Perfect example was another Vladivostok graduate mom who left a note on my blog yesterday.  She recognized my daughter’s picture from some pictures that were taken in her son’s room at the baby home on the day he left with her.  Yup!  They were in the same room.  Here’s the picture that she shared with me. 

If she would have not cared enough, I would never have had this picture of my daughter that was taken a full 4-5 months BEFORE I even met her.  I have precious few “baby” pictures of my baby.   Thanks, Jody!  You rock!

Finally, I ask you to look at these faces.  Could you look them in the eye and say, sorry, I won’t help you because you aren’t from the US?  I don’t know many who could.

Weekend Wonders

I hate to actually put this in print – but MAN, the weather has been fabulous for the last 4 days or so.  April in Michigan is very iffy.  I remember one year as a child that one day I was dressed in shorts having a water balloon fight with the neighbors and literally the very next day we had a foot of snow.  This weekend has been 70 degrees plus, sunny and wonderful.  Last summer we had such cruddy weather that we would have loved 70 degrees!

With Good Friday and Easter, plus the aforementioned beautiful weather, we have been busy busy busy!  Here’s a quick weekend (some of it spills into last week) wrap up:

BIG GIRL BED:  At 3 and almost a half years old, it is time to start moving out of the crib.  I can hear the shocks of amazement.  Yes, she’s been sleeping in her crib.  Still.  She’s never once tried to climb out.  Shocking – I know!  Her brand new toddler bed arrived this week and mama is proud to say I assembled it all by my very self!  There was only minor swearing.  Tati was very excited at first – but when push came to shove, she really wanted back in her crib for bedtime.  She powered through that first night and made it until 3am(ish).  She woke up fussing and was ok, but basically laid in bed talking for an hour before I gave up and let her sleep the rest of the night in her crib.  The next day (Good Friday) she napped in the bed and hasn’t looked back since.  The crib is still up in her room – I wanted the out in case she really fought the transition.  And now I just need to have the energy to tackle taking it apart to get it out the door. 

Testing out my new big girl bed…

Potty Training:  Much progress here… we’ve been trying hard!  Last week at a cousin’s birthday party, Tatiana saw her first Zuzu pet.  Needless to say, she WANTS a Zuzu pet.   So this was our motivation for a prize.   She understands what she’s supposed to do, she just doesn’t always do it.  We’re getting there. 

Easter:  Last year this was our first holiday home.  We had only been home from Russia for two weeks when Easter fell, so it was a little lost in concept.  This year was MUCH different.  She was excited for the Easter Bunny and looking forward to the big day (until we went to see him at the mall – then all bets were off).  We had an egg hunt last weekend and she had a blast.  Even though she wanted to have NOTHING to do with him at the mall (think scream bloody murder, cling to mama), the Easter Bunny was VERY good to Tati this year.  She got a new wagon filled with lots of goodies – a little candy, but mostly fun stuff.  After all, the bunny knows his audience, and T is not a huge candy fan. 

  

Hope you had a wonderful Easter!